I remember when we were living in California, Danielle worked for an event production company and they got in a pickle. They needed someone to load the truck for an event. I said I would do it as they were having a difficult time finding anyone. Danielle told me to plan for 3 hours or so as it typically took the two boys who normally did it a couple hours. By myself, with a little hustle, I did it in an hour. Just a result of a different mentality, and a little farm boy get-after-it-ness.
Oh how the times have changed. I know I look forward with a positive outlook and Faith that God will prevail with his plan in all of this, but that doesn't mean I don't have struggles. I mean even Jesus asked "Why God...?". It's a definite struggle when you are a person that defined himself as a hard working contributor, a get in and get it done type mentality. The simpler the task I can't do, the more the frustration. The bigger things are obvious and people jump in to pick up the slack thankfully. The simple details, things like hanging pictures and what not, are frustrating when I have to ask for help. I get so tired of struggling with the simplest life functioning tasks. Sometimes my morning routine takes half a day, just to do what used to be done in 30 minutes to an hour. Its hard not to get depressed and lack in self worth when things I used to do without even thinking about it are now a challenge to accomplish. It's difficult to keep your head up at times when you wonder where you will find victory again and your value to contribute to the cause. I definitely have what I consider "throw in the towel" moments where I just want to go back to bed.
However, I don't give up easily. My past success wouldn't have happened if I did, and neither will my future success. Believe me there will be future success. I decided the other day I will find a new challenge, I will set a goal, and I will succeed. Vision is the key to staying focused forward. I cant wonder aimlessly, I have to pick a spot in the distance and head towards it. I have to remind myself that this isn't the end point, but simply step 347 in the thousand. As easy as it is to feel sorry for myself I have to ignore those feelings and tell myself to get up and find the next piece of this puzzle. I mean it may have taken me an hour, but I still managed to unload and load the dishwasher. And that's something.
I will find something to compete in again. I will get back to the top. and God will use me along the way, because you never know who is paying attention. At times I may feel lost in the chaos, but the chaos will slowly diminish. Its still early in finding the new normal, I have to remember that and be patient. This is definitely the longest recovery process I have ever been a part of, but that will just make me stronger in the long run I believe.
One of my therapists told me of a shirt he had seen. It said "God will only challenge us with what we can handle. If that's the case God must think I'm a BadA@$!"... Amen.
