I watch a lot of sports news, I listen to a lot of sports radio. Partly because I really love sports. But mostly because unlike the regular news, which I never pay attention to, its mostly positive. Yes there are times when there is content toward the negative side, but for the most part sports media is about what some did outstanding or what they achieved against the opposition. It constantly reminds me of what we are capable of with the right attitude and if we push ourselves.
That's difficult for anybody though if your living on the wrong side of the Law of Attraction. Its no new revelation that we are all influenced by what we surround ourselves with, that we can create our own negative or positive subliminal messaging with our environment. I think a large part of my handling the accident in such a strong way is the company I keep. Having those that remind me of my faith, and point out the strengths in my life has been a true blessing. Of course I could have just as easily surrounded my self with a pity parting and gone into self loathing if I had chosen too. The key word being choice.
I also believe if I choose to put a smile on my face, and choose to look at what I can accomplish instead of what is a struggle I help create that positive environment. I don't know too many people that can get smiled at and reciprocate with a scowl. It begins with us and what we choose to project, then our message is enforced with the company we keep. I know there are times when you just get stuck with Eeyore. But that's when we have to steup up and be the Tigger. That's also when I use my filter. We all have selective hearing, it's just a manner of how we use it and what we choose to absorb and reflect. I literally just choose to tune out when somebody goes negative on me, it does me no good to internalize it.
Don't get me wrong I don't think we have to live in fantasy land. I still think we can be real. In fact I think Iam very real. I also think there is a lot of good that can come out of struggles and adversity. Purely in the common focal points of adversity making us stronger, the lesson's we learn from struggles, and how they can shape us as an individual. Life isn't always meant to be easy, to be honest if it was it would be pretty boring. Without sour, sweet wouldn't be sweet.
I thinks that's why I have decided to start a side career doing motivational speaking, to focus on my Law of Attraction. With the struggles I now face I need to remind myself the blessings that can come of it. I can use this mission to hold myself accountable and hopefully help some others remodel there circle of influence along the way. With God's help I can have an impact on shaping the future outlook of others....as well as my own.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Shoes to Fill
I had the Fortunate privilege recently to enjoy a much needed vacation on Farmers Insurance dime, thanks to some hard work from myself, Christie, and other staff in our office. We headed to San Antonio with quite a bit of nervousness. I wasn't really sure how things might work out being our first big trip. After all I had taken a small road trip to Vancouver, Washington to see family for a weekend and it hadn't gone so well. So while we were excited to get away, we were very anxious on how things might work out. But what I didn't expect was the life changing experience this trip might hold for me(as if I didn't have enough of that going on lately already).
Being a business trip there were several conventions and sessions Farmers puts on along with all the fun. One of the sessions featured guest speaker Marcus Lutrell(the Lone Survivor from Seal Team 10). I was immediately moved as he shared his story, including the background of his upbringing and training, honoring the memory of his comrades with the details of there mission. He spoke in a manner that came off unrehearsed, from the heart, and almost as if he was in some instances reliving his experience.
Suddenly I felt an unusual calm uncertainty inside that left a flat feeling in my stomach. The challenges that I had faced up to this point felt like nothing but a simple drop in the bucket. The monumental hill I had felt like I was recently climbing turned before my eyes into a mole hill. I was absolutely left speechless inside my own head with what a man can endure as he described the events his teammates and himself endured on their mission. The impact of what I had heard really enveloped me for the next couple days in my mind. I was filled with a mixed sense of how blessed my life was and how insignificant my tribulations were, especially because mine had come from activities of pure horseplay and extra curricular joy.
Perspective is always a wonderful thing and in this thought pattern I was struck with it. The Lord only gives us what we can handle. And he reminds us just how strong and capable of the challenges placed in front of us through the inspiration of others.
The reality is I have no business comparing the adversities in my life with those of someone else. Whether I view someone else's struggles as small and insignificant or monumental, they are the struggles they have to overcome set before them. The adversity I take on in my life was given to me to shape who I am, same as those others face. I will be reminded of that by the inspiring stories of others to keep my head down and focus on being the best me that God has blessed me to aspire to. and I will Pray that my actions will remind others of the same.
Being a business trip there were several conventions and sessions Farmers puts on along with all the fun. One of the sessions featured guest speaker Marcus Lutrell(the Lone Survivor from Seal Team 10). I was immediately moved as he shared his story, including the background of his upbringing and training, honoring the memory of his comrades with the details of there mission. He spoke in a manner that came off unrehearsed, from the heart, and almost as if he was in some instances reliving his experience.
Suddenly I felt an unusual calm uncertainty inside that left a flat feeling in my stomach. The challenges that I had faced up to this point felt like nothing but a simple drop in the bucket. The monumental hill I had felt like I was recently climbing turned before my eyes into a mole hill. I was absolutely left speechless inside my own head with what a man can endure as he described the events his teammates and himself endured on their mission. The impact of what I had heard really enveloped me for the next couple days in my mind. I was filled with a mixed sense of how blessed my life was and how insignificant my tribulations were, especially because mine had come from activities of pure horseplay and extra curricular joy.
Perspective is always a wonderful thing and in this thought pattern I was struck with it. The Lord only gives us what we can handle. And he reminds us just how strong and capable of the challenges placed in front of us through the inspiration of others.
The reality is I have no business comparing the adversities in my life with those of someone else. Whether I view someone else's struggles as small and insignificant or monumental, they are the struggles they have to overcome set before them. The adversity I take on in my life was given to me to shape who I am, same as those others face. I will be reminded of that by the inspiring stories of others to keep my head down and focus on being the best me that God has blessed me to aspire to. and I will Pray that my actions will remind others of the same.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Hindsight
I absolutely hated farming growing up. I had no use for the day in, day out, mind numbing tasks that cursed my life from a normal childhood. I began to loathe the very animals that I was forced to feed every morning and evening, the fields and crops I were to irrigate and change every 24 hours. Then there was all the extra work it caused me, various repairs, building of new fences and different structures. And while my parents were extremely supportive of all extra curricular activities that kept me from work(consequently I was involved in literally every school activity, sport, and organization), all I could think about were the things and travel I missed out on because of the farm anchor.
Of course today I don't miss the chance to boast of my upbringing in the rural environment and what my responsibilities were. Its amazing the perspective a rear view mirror can create. The valued assets I inherited because of my upbringing have been invaluable, I mean a solid work ethic is the true key to success these days, the dedication and focus are worth their weight in gold. And the time I spent hiding in all the various outside activities gave me a well rounded structure that has speared me on to many accomplishments. Its funny that the curse I grew up with is now the blessing the Lord gave me. Frankly, I feel incredibly lucky and damn proud of it.
I have times when things are missed. It's not easy as active as I was to give certain things up. I recently attended a family gathering that was a bit of a struggle. As we boys tend to wonder off with side projects and activities to occupy are time at these thing, I found myself often left in the house with no real means to get in and out to join the boys club as it were.
I've always very motivated to be at an above average fit level. While I plan, skeem, and plot my new fitness regimen there are times when I just want to do the complicated workouts I used to enjoy. It used to be my escape to simply venture into the gym and get my swell on whenever I saw "fit". Now there is not much I can do on my own in the training realm and I'm frustrated when I want to workout and I have no available assistant. I never really crave to walk again, but I do desire to venture on an excruciating foothills run, do some muay tai or bag work, or test my limits at the squat rack or flipping the loader tire.
It would be very easy to become cynical or extremely depressed with the focus on what I miss. But like the farm I once loathed that was coal crushed into a diamond, I remind myself that there is a blessing still in disguise. I have faith I will look back and boast about this period as well, and the new skills and traits I acquired because of it. Who knows I may enjoy winter chair skiing more than I did the regular way. Maybe I come up with a new fighting technique or version of jiu jitsu for the chair dependent to enjoy. Whatever it is God will make sense of it all in time.
I also take refuge in the fact that I lived full throttle and didn't waste time when I was pre-injury. I worked hard so that I could play even harder in life that has maybe create a fondness and longing for the past, but definitely no regrets.
I guess the lesson in all of this for me is take heart and solice in life's hurdles. There is pride and pleasure in the path put before you, because it's the path that shapes you to the great victories and conquests of our futures.
Of course today I don't miss the chance to boast of my upbringing in the rural environment and what my responsibilities were. Its amazing the perspective a rear view mirror can create. The valued assets I inherited because of my upbringing have been invaluable, I mean a solid work ethic is the true key to success these days, the dedication and focus are worth their weight in gold. And the time I spent hiding in all the various outside activities gave me a well rounded structure that has speared me on to many accomplishments. Its funny that the curse I grew up with is now the blessing the Lord gave me. Frankly, I feel incredibly lucky and damn proud of it.
I have times when things are missed. It's not easy as active as I was to give certain things up. I recently attended a family gathering that was a bit of a struggle. As we boys tend to wonder off with side projects and activities to occupy are time at these thing, I found myself often left in the house with no real means to get in and out to join the boys club as it were.
I've always very motivated to be at an above average fit level. While I plan, skeem, and plot my new fitness regimen there are times when I just want to do the complicated workouts I used to enjoy. It used to be my escape to simply venture into the gym and get my swell on whenever I saw "fit". Now there is not much I can do on my own in the training realm and I'm frustrated when I want to workout and I have no available assistant. I never really crave to walk again, but I do desire to venture on an excruciating foothills run, do some muay tai or bag work, or test my limits at the squat rack or flipping the loader tire.
It would be very easy to become cynical or extremely depressed with the focus on what I miss. But like the farm I once loathed that was coal crushed into a diamond, I remind myself that there is a blessing still in disguise. I have faith I will look back and boast about this period as well, and the new skills and traits I acquired because of it. Who knows I may enjoy winter chair skiing more than I did the regular way. Maybe I come up with a new fighting technique or version of jiu jitsu for the chair dependent to enjoy. Whatever it is God will make sense of it all in time.
I also take refuge in the fact that I lived full throttle and didn't waste time when I was pre-injury. I worked hard so that I could play even harder in life that has maybe create a fondness and longing for the past, but definitely no regrets.
I guess the lesson in all of this for me is take heart and solice in life's hurdles. There is pride and pleasure in the path put before you, because it's the path that shapes you to the great victories and conquests of our futures.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Finding Your Muse
I love inspirational sports movies. No matter how cheesy, "For Love of the Game", "Warrior", "Miracle", "Goal", there is something about a feel good story that lights a fire inside me to accomplish something and take action now. "Rocky" and "Invincible" are my personal favorites. I love the idea of hardship struck with a never say die attitude. Perseverance with an optimistic motivation and focus conquers.
The other night a close friend shared a YouTube video with me ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K9Gg164Bsw ). The perspective shared by Stella Young was something she hadn't heard before and wanted my take on it. I felt passionate enough about it to share my point with everybody.
I see her point, part of it at least. I agree that to deem somebody an inspiration just because they are struck with a disability is not an accurate conclusion to jump too. I agree that we have created an illusion that a disability is a bad thing and it makes you exceptional. It's not a bad thing and it doesn't automatically make you exceptional(however that doesn't mean you can't be exceptional). We shouldn't automatically patronize anybody as an inspiration for daily life and no true accomplishments. I agree there probably is several people that are deemed inspirational as a compliment to encourage their progress and an attempt to motivate them, or to create an illusion of inspiration to satisfy their own motivational needs.
This isn't what fired me up though. It was her take on "the only real disability is a bad attitude". She thought it was complete crap(I paraphrase to a better word). Her take was that it objectifies people with disabilities to find them inspirational. That is what I believe to be a load of crap.
I was told a story about a man who was to race an Ironman. The morning of he was waiting to start the race with his swim leg of it when adrenaline took a turn toward his nerves and doubt set in. He began to panic to his friends how he was not up to the task before him and must pull out. Until he saw two gentlemen pick up another competitor out of his wheelchair and carry him down to the water to begin the same race he was to compete in. He was suddenly struck with inspiration. In other words, his attitude shifted.
As most of you who really know me know that I believe attitude is everything in this world. It is the single greatest force that pulls us through. Anybody that suffers hardship, a disability, financial instability, emotion loss, and pulls through it to succeed above the odds are inspirational. and those that give up in a pessimistic fashion are disabled into a bad attitude that clasps to there ankle and weights them down to the bottom of the waters of despair.
The other day I sat in my chair at the bottom of our stairs...I didn't simply smile at them, I decided that one way or another I would drag myself to the top to see the loft in our house for the first time. My attitude is what pulled me through, if that causes someone else inspiration then God has used me. If my outlook an attitude despite odds inspires someone else to change their perspective, their attitude, then thank God. I will do great things, not because I'm disabled, but because of my attitude. If God has set that path to accomplish those through a disability then so be it. He has put others in front of me that have inspired me under similar circumstances, Darius Glover, Josh Dueck, Nick Scott, and many others(in fact I keep their YouTube stories in a playlist coincidentally titled Inspire).
In Matthew 5:1-12 it illustrates the beatitudes, a virtual attitude map to success. I think attitude is everything, part of having that proper attitude is constantly being inspired. I pray that God continues to find ways to inspire me and that he uses me to inspire others. Otherwise we are left with a bad attitude-a true disability.
The other night a close friend shared a YouTube video with me ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K9Gg164Bsw ). The perspective shared by Stella Young was something she hadn't heard before and wanted my take on it. I felt passionate enough about it to share my point with everybody.
I see her point, part of it at least. I agree that to deem somebody an inspiration just because they are struck with a disability is not an accurate conclusion to jump too. I agree that we have created an illusion that a disability is a bad thing and it makes you exceptional. It's not a bad thing and it doesn't automatically make you exceptional(however that doesn't mean you can't be exceptional). We shouldn't automatically patronize anybody as an inspiration for daily life and no true accomplishments. I agree there probably is several people that are deemed inspirational as a compliment to encourage their progress and an attempt to motivate them, or to create an illusion of inspiration to satisfy their own motivational needs.
This isn't what fired me up though. It was her take on "the only real disability is a bad attitude". She thought it was complete crap(I paraphrase to a better word). Her take was that it objectifies people with disabilities to find them inspirational. That is what I believe to be a load of crap.
I was told a story about a man who was to race an Ironman. The morning of he was waiting to start the race with his swim leg of it when adrenaline took a turn toward his nerves and doubt set in. He began to panic to his friends how he was not up to the task before him and must pull out. Until he saw two gentlemen pick up another competitor out of his wheelchair and carry him down to the water to begin the same race he was to compete in. He was suddenly struck with inspiration. In other words, his attitude shifted.
As most of you who really know me know that I believe attitude is everything in this world. It is the single greatest force that pulls us through. Anybody that suffers hardship, a disability, financial instability, emotion loss, and pulls through it to succeed above the odds are inspirational. and those that give up in a pessimistic fashion are disabled into a bad attitude that clasps to there ankle and weights them down to the bottom of the waters of despair.
The other day I sat in my chair at the bottom of our stairs...I didn't simply smile at them, I decided that one way or another I would drag myself to the top to see the loft in our house for the first time. My attitude is what pulled me through, if that causes someone else inspiration then God has used me. If my outlook an attitude despite odds inspires someone else to change their perspective, their attitude, then thank God. I will do great things, not because I'm disabled, but because of my attitude. If God has set that path to accomplish those through a disability then so be it. He has put others in front of me that have inspired me under similar circumstances, Darius Glover, Josh Dueck, Nick Scott, and many others(in fact I keep their YouTube stories in a playlist coincidentally titled Inspire).
In Matthew 5:1-12 it illustrates the beatitudes, a virtual attitude map to success. I think attitude is everything, part of having that proper attitude is constantly being inspired. I pray that God continues to find ways to inspire me and that he uses me to inspire others. Otherwise we are left with a bad attitude-a true disability.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
A New Definition
I remember when we were living in California, Danielle worked for an event production company and they got in a pickle. They needed someone to load the truck for an event. I said I would do it as they were having a difficult time finding anyone. Danielle told me to plan for 3 hours or so as it typically took the two boys who normally did it a couple hours. By myself, with a little hustle, I did it in an hour. Just a result of a different mentality, and a little farm boy get-after-it-ness.
Oh how the times have changed. I know I look forward with a positive outlook and Faith that God will prevail with his plan in all of this, but that doesn't mean I don't have struggles. I mean even Jesus asked "Why God...?". It's a definite struggle when you are a person that defined himself as a hard working contributor, a get in and get it done type mentality. The simpler the task I can't do, the more the frustration. The bigger things are obvious and people jump in to pick up the slack thankfully. The simple details, things like hanging pictures and what not, are frustrating when I have to ask for help. I get so tired of struggling with the simplest life functioning tasks. Sometimes my morning routine takes half a day, just to do what used to be done in 30 minutes to an hour. Its hard not to get depressed and lack in self worth when things I used to do without even thinking about it are now a challenge to accomplish. It's difficult to keep your head up at times when you wonder where you will find victory again and your value to contribute to the cause. I definitely have what I consider "throw in the towel" moments where I just want to go back to bed.
However, I don't give up easily. My past success wouldn't have happened if I did, and neither will my future success. Believe me there will be future success. I decided the other day I will find a new challenge, I will set a goal, and I will succeed. Vision is the key to staying focused forward. I cant wonder aimlessly, I have to pick a spot in the distance and head towards it. I have to remind myself that this isn't the end point, but simply step 347 in the thousand. As easy as it is to feel sorry for myself I have to ignore those feelings and tell myself to get up and find the next piece of this puzzle. I mean it may have taken me an hour, but I still managed to unload and load the dishwasher. And that's something.
I will find something to compete in again. I will get back to the top. and God will use me along the way, because you never know who is paying attention. At times I may feel lost in the chaos, but the chaos will slowly diminish. Its still early in finding the new normal, I have to remember that and be patient. This is definitely the longest recovery process I have ever been a part of, but that will just make me stronger in the long run I believe.
One of my therapists told me of a shirt he had seen. It said "God will only challenge us with what we can handle. If that's the case God must think I'm a BadA@$!"... Amen.
Oh how the times have changed. I know I look forward with a positive outlook and Faith that God will prevail with his plan in all of this, but that doesn't mean I don't have struggles. I mean even Jesus asked "Why God...?". It's a definite struggle when you are a person that defined himself as a hard working contributor, a get in and get it done type mentality. The simpler the task I can't do, the more the frustration. The bigger things are obvious and people jump in to pick up the slack thankfully. The simple details, things like hanging pictures and what not, are frustrating when I have to ask for help. I get so tired of struggling with the simplest life functioning tasks. Sometimes my morning routine takes half a day, just to do what used to be done in 30 minutes to an hour. Its hard not to get depressed and lack in self worth when things I used to do without even thinking about it are now a challenge to accomplish. It's difficult to keep your head up at times when you wonder where you will find victory again and your value to contribute to the cause. I definitely have what I consider "throw in the towel" moments where I just want to go back to bed.
However, I don't give up easily. My past success wouldn't have happened if I did, and neither will my future success. Believe me there will be future success. I decided the other day I will find a new challenge, I will set a goal, and I will succeed. Vision is the key to staying focused forward. I cant wonder aimlessly, I have to pick a spot in the distance and head towards it. I have to remind myself that this isn't the end point, but simply step 347 in the thousand. As easy as it is to feel sorry for myself I have to ignore those feelings and tell myself to get up and find the next piece of this puzzle. I mean it may have taken me an hour, but I still managed to unload and load the dishwasher. And that's something.
I will find something to compete in again. I will get back to the top. and God will use me along the way, because you never know who is paying attention. At times I may feel lost in the chaos, but the chaos will slowly diminish. Its still early in finding the new normal, I have to remember that and be patient. This is definitely the longest recovery process I have ever been a part of, but that will just make me stronger in the long run I believe.
One of my therapists told me of a shirt he had seen. It said "God will only challenge us with what we can handle. If that's the case God must think I'm a BadA@$!"... Amen.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Answered Prayers...
What started out as a rough day and evening was turned around with some spiritual music. I realized the self pity and low self esteem I was feeling was a quick attempt by the devil to bring me down. Cause in the midst of all of this he has his reasons...
Danielle and I lead a small group(bible study) through our church. Last spring we did a study based through the book "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick. The idea was Steven, at a very young age, took the start of a church out of his garage in a very tough area to 2500 in a very short period. He was called to do the impossible through God, and prayed for a call to action that would in itself be as great as making the sun stand still. We were all challenged internally to have a sun stand still prayer and movement.
I prayed God take a deep passion of mine(Motocross) and turn it into something for his glory. I was quickly moved to change my way of simply trying to lead a prayer at the riders meeting before races to working towards starting a devotion time at the races. I was also moved to lead these devotions myself with some encouragement of others through our church and small group. I was having some pretty good success I thought, reaching on average 10-12 individuals and connecting with some younger individuals even outside of devotions. My prayer was slowly being answered...or so I thought.
You see my Sun Stand Still prayer was for God to do something great through my passion. But what I thought was great was just the beginning, and I believe the Devil worked his way to thwart this Sun Stand Still prayer with my accident this winter(which consequently came shortly after one of our devotion sessions). I'm sure he thought (or hoped) I would spite God for my accident and his lack of protection in my attempt to serve him, to Satan a quick turn to depression would seem a reasonable example and very human.
But through Christ my Sun Stand Still Prayer is now being answered, and the faith in him and his strength through this journey is something I can share on a higher level now. He has always been with me through hard times in the past and I have that same faith stronger then ever that he will turn this to his glory. Deuteronomy 23:5 (thanks pastor Hines) promises to turn these curses to blessings for us. He has strengthened my faith and justified my faith and reminds me of this in Romans 5:1-5(thanks Steph).
So tonight I was down, the devil tried to plant his seed. But a song reminded me of God's glory in my sun stand still prayer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2PNTq_-mZs (a little girly, I know, but great lyrics). I have faith the Lord has a plan, and as promised in Matt. 7:7 my Sun Stand Still Prayer will continued to be answered, in his way and his time.
Danielle and I lead a small group(bible study) through our church. Last spring we did a study based through the book "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick. The idea was Steven, at a very young age, took the start of a church out of his garage in a very tough area to 2500 in a very short period. He was called to do the impossible through God, and prayed for a call to action that would in itself be as great as making the sun stand still. We were all challenged internally to have a sun stand still prayer and movement.
I prayed God take a deep passion of mine(Motocross) and turn it into something for his glory. I was quickly moved to change my way of simply trying to lead a prayer at the riders meeting before races to working towards starting a devotion time at the races. I was also moved to lead these devotions myself with some encouragement of others through our church and small group. I was having some pretty good success I thought, reaching on average 10-12 individuals and connecting with some younger individuals even outside of devotions. My prayer was slowly being answered...or so I thought.
You see my Sun Stand Still prayer was for God to do something great through my passion. But what I thought was great was just the beginning, and I believe the Devil worked his way to thwart this Sun Stand Still prayer with my accident this winter(which consequently came shortly after one of our devotion sessions). I'm sure he thought (or hoped) I would spite God for my accident and his lack of protection in my attempt to serve him, to Satan a quick turn to depression would seem a reasonable example and very human.
But through Christ my Sun Stand Still Prayer is now being answered, and the faith in him and his strength through this journey is something I can share on a higher level now. He has always been with me through hard times in the past and I have that same faith stronger then ever that he will turn this to his glory. Deuteronomy 23:5 (thanks pastor Hines) promises to turn these curses to blessings for us. He has strengthened my faith and justified my faith and reminds me of this in Romans 5:1-5(thanks Steph).
So tonight I was down, the devil tried to plant his seed. But a song reminded me of God's glory in my sun stand still prayer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2PNTq_-mZs (a little girly, I know, but great lyrics). I have faith the Lord has a plan, and as promised in Matt. 7:7 my Sun Stand Still Prayer will continued to be answered, in his way and his time.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Transformation
Most know I was raised on a farm. Which created an attitude of "get it done" no matter what was going on, or how you were doing. Whether you were sick or injured animals needed to be cared for and fed.
Most who know me well, know I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm a bit OCD. I like to be in charge and have things done a certain way. I focus intensely until my goal is accomplished or the task is won. I like to know whats coming up, whats going down, and what the plan of attack will be.
Amongst other lessons God is teaching me to let go and be ok with it, although my internal is fighting all the way. I have a constant battle with myself right now. I'm improving which is good, but it's slow going and I feel like i'm stuck between two worlds, the healing and the get things back to normal and get your butt to work. I'm no energizer bunny. I feel really good, get active, conquer a workout and then about two hours later I feel like I went through a car wash without the car. I start to project my guilt on myself through what I believe others see of me. "You look pretty good, your okay now, life should be normal for you" is what I envision them saying or thinking.
The truth is as much as I want to be in control and set my own timeline for where I should be I'm not and I never was, much like our sport. It's like Nicole Kidman said to Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder "control is an illusion"(bout the only accurate thing in that movie:). As much as I feel lost at times with my limbo condition of feeling better but not yet healed, I have to remember that I'm not in control and never was. God has a plan, I have to remind myself that things will happen on his time.
It can be a struggle, cause financially things are piling up. Don't get me wrong I'm fortunate that my occupation still provides a paycheck in my absence, but that covers the normal bills in a good month, and I result in a lack of production right now. Not to mention all the new bills this situation has provided. It's easy for me to feel responsible(which I am) leading to a lack of self esteem in what seems like a worthless state at times now. The inability to even contribute around the house with minor household tasks to ease Danielle's load doesn't help either.
But I will try to fixate on the Lord and what his promises are, the truth is the future seems impossible and unconquerable at times. But so did the past, and he took care of that. He's gotten me to this point and he knows the effort I give and the position of my heart. Doubt is the other guy trying to interfere. I have to remember that he promises to give what I ask, as long as I work to seek he will let me find, and if I turn to him with a knock he will open the door(refer to Matthew 7:7) Thank you Lord.
Most who know me well, know I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm a bit OCD. I like to be in charge and have things done a certain way. I focus intensely until my goal is accomplished or the task is won. I like to know whats coming up, whats going down, and what the plan of attack will be.
Amongst other lessons God is teaching me to let go and be ok with it, although my internal is fighting all the way. I have a constant battle with myself right now. I'm improving which is good, but it's slow going and I feel like i'm stuck between two worlds, the healing and the get things back to normal and get your butt to work. I'm no energizer bunny. I feel really good, get active, conquer a workout and then about two hours later I feel like I went through a car wash without the car. I start to project my guilt on myself through what I believe others see of me. "You look pretty good, your okay now, life should be normal for you" is what I envision them saying or thinking.
The truth is as much as I want to be in control and set my own timeline for where I should be I'm not and I never was, much like our sport. It's like Nicole Kidman said to Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder "control is an illusion"(bout the only accurate thing in that movie:). As much as I feel lost at times with my limbo condition of feeling better but not yet healed, I have to remember that I'm not in control and never was. God has a plan, I have to remind myself that things will happen on his time.
It can be a struggle, cause financially things are piling up. Don't get me wrong I'm fortunate that my occupation still provides a paycheck in my absence, but that covers the normal bills in a good month, and I result in a lack of production right now. Not to mention all the new bills this situation has provided. It's easy for me to feel responsible(which I am) leading to a lack of self esteem in what seems like a worthless state at times now. The inability to even contribute around the house with minor household tasks to ease Danielle's load doesn't help either.
But I will try to fixate on the Lord and what his promises are, the truth is the future seems impossible and unconquerable at times. But so did the past, and he took care of that. He's gotten me to this point and he knows the effort I give and the position of my heart. Doubt is the other guy trying to interfere. I have to remember that he promises to give what I ask, as long as I work to seek he will let me find, and if I turn to him with a knock he will open the door(refer to Matthew 7:7) Thank you Lord.
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