Transformation

Most know I was raised on a farm.  Which created an attitude of "get it done" no matter what was going on, or how you were doing.  Whether you were sick or injured animals needed to be cared for and fed.
Most who know me well, know I'm a bit of a control freak.  I'm a bit OCD.  I like to be in charge and have things done a certain way. I focus intensely until my goal is accomplished or the task is won.  I like to know whats coming up, whats going down, and what the plan of attack will be.

Amongst other lessons God is teaching me to let go and be ok with it, although my internal is fighting all the way.  I have a constant battle with myself right now.  I'm improving which is good, but it's slow going and I feel like i'm stuck between two worlds, the healing and the get things back to normal and get your butt to work.  I'm no energizer bunny.  I feel really good, get active, conquer a workout and then about two hours later I feel like I went through a car wash without the car.  I start to project my guilt on myself through what I believe others see of me.  "You look pretty good, your okay now, life should be normal for you" is what I envision them saying or thinking. 
The truth is as much as I want to be in control and set my own timeline for where I should be I'm not and I never was, much like our sport.  It's like Nicole Kidman said to Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder "control is an illusion"(bout the only accurate thing in that movie:).  As much as I feel lost at times with my limbo condition of feeling better but not yet healed, I have to remember that I'm not in control and never was.  God has a plan, I have to remind myself that things will happen on his time.

It can be a struggle, cause financially things are piling up.  Don't get me wrong I'm fortunate that my occupation still provides a paycheck in my absence, but that covers the normal bills in a good month, and I result in a lack of production right now.  Not to mention all the new bills this situation has provided.  It's easy for me to feel responsible(which I am) leading to a lack of self esteem in what seems like a worthless state at times now.  The inability to even contribute around the house with minor household tasks to ease Danielle's load doesn't help either. 
But I will try to fixate on the Lord and what his promises are, the truth is the future seems impossible and unconquerable at times.  But so did the past, and he took care of that.  He's gotten me to this point and he knows the effort I give and the position of my heart.  Doubt is the other guy trying to interfere.  I have to remember that he promises to give what I ask, as long as I work to seek he will let me find, and if I turn to him with a knock he will open the door(refer to Matthew 7:7)  Thank you Lord.